went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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