i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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