Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
