the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
