theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
pray to the hookup gods
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
