she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
