just tell him i said nine months
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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