Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
