You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
