I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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