i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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