Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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