Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize