My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
