And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize