so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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