batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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