You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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