god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
