Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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