Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
