Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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