My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize