he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
