I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my shit smells like andre
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Couch. On fire.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
