I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
