I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
