There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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