my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
