Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
