dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
