I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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