i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
