I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
