I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
