Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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