So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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