His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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