i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My feet surprised me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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