Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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