Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
