my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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