i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
