my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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