Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
