is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
