Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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