dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize