Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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