u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
