my phone needs a breathalizer
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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