woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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