My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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