my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize