I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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